Life is Miserable When You Are Stuck at a Crossroads

January 12th, 2012 by Jennifer Grainger

If you are not at a crossroads in your marriage or long term relationship,   and don’t know anyone who is, you probably won’t find this newsletter interesting enough to read all the way to the bottom for the solution.

On the other hand, you might want to keep a copy in the event that someone in your life may be getting ready to drop the news on you that they have been at a crossroads for a while and have finally gotten the courage to move on.

You see, 2012 is going to be a year when what hasn’t been working in people’s lives . . . what has been tolerated just to keep the peace . . . what’s been swept under the rug is going to become intolerable. What’s been unsaid is going to get said. What’s been on the back burner is going to boil over.

Here’s how I know. When people feel threatened or backed into a corner, they do the craziest things. And the more uncertain life becomes, the faster the insecurities pile up, until one day . . . BAM! The stuff hits the fan.

A look at the political arena demonstrates that craziness is rampant today, and a precursor to the falling apart that is happening in all sectors.

Take marriage, for instance. 50 years ago, if he brought home sufficient bacon, and she cooked it well, that qualified as a good marriage.

Wow! Times have changed. The centuries old structure of marriage is collapsing under the strain of expecting our partners to fulfill all of our emotional, physical, mental and spiritual needs!

Yet, that is what the fairy tale promised . . . your Prince would sweep you off your feet, and you’d live happily ever after!

Here’s the kicker . . . the fairy tale left out the most important component of a great relationship . . . a fully authentic YOU! If you have spent years attempting to make things work, doing all the things you have been told were the right way to do it, you have likely lost connection with your own true self!

It’s just a guess, but it makes sense that women who bought the fairy tale have greater expectations of marriage than men, which explains why men are seldom the ones who say “Honey, we need to talk!”

From my admittedly unscientific observation, it appears that it takes less for men to be satisfied in their marriage than women, which leads women to work hard to get to their husbands to change so they can get their needs met, whether they be emotional, physical or spiritual.

While you might be willing to settle for not having your important needs satisfied because you have been convinced that “that’s just the way it is,” your heart and soul won’t give up asking for what they need to feel nourished and alive. As the years go by your heart and soul become increasingly demanding (you feel increasingly unhappy) until the idea of divorce starts showing up.

If your heart and soul are dying of starvation, and you’ve tried everything you can think of to make your marriage better, and you want to leave, but feel you can’t because you . . .

. . . don’t want to hurt him

. . . don’t know how you’d take care of yourself financially

. . . might be worried about the effect on the children, if you have them (even if they are grown)

. . . could be afraid of what your family and friends will think

. . . have fear that you’ll never find love again

. . . are afraid of a costly and destructive divorce

you have the miserable dilemma of being stuck on the merry-go-round of wanting to leave and feeling trapped that you can’t. This misery drains joy out of life, stresses your immune system, and ages you faster than smoking cigarettes and too much sun!

It is the fairy tale that is the root of the misery. It promised a fantasy that no man can fulfill. Yet the needs of your heart and soul are valid, too.

Oh, what to do, what to do?!

1. Take your attention off the relationship and put it on yourself for awhile. Treat yourself like a new friend. Get to know what you like and don’t like. What you want more of. What you want less of. Pay attention to yourself. Do things to please yourself.

2. Start saying “NO” to what you don’t want to do. Only say “YES” when your whole body feels good about it.

3. Fire anyone who has an authority position in your personal life. YOU are the best judge of what is right for you. Your opinion of what feels right to you deserves the highest priority.

4. Take note of how many years you have been taking care of others. Note how many years you likely have left on the planet. Decide when it gets to be your turn to be #1 for awhile.

5. Get clear that it is not wrong or selfish for your needs to have equal importance with everyone else’s.

6. Get support to back you up when those who have had a free ride for way too long start complaining. No one grows themselves by themselves. It takes substantial support to excavate your authentic self, and step into being the woman you were born to be. From that place you become the final authority in your life about what is right for YOU! No one else’s opinion counts as much as yours does when it comes to making choices that affect your well-being.

Today it isn’t longevity that defines a successful marriage, but one in which space is made for each party to thrive and flourish . . . where compromise and sacrifice give way to taking the time to negotiate until everyone’s needs are met, with neither having to sacrifice their important needs “for the sake of the marriage.”

Perhaps you have hopes that your marriage (or long term relationship) can be “saved,” but you don’t know what to try next.

Or, perhaps you have passed the point-of-no-return in your marriage and absolutely know it is time to move on, though you’d like it to be amicable, you may not know where to start.

BOTTOM LINE: If things are not working for you, you can be sure they are not working for your partner! If you are miserable, so is your partner, whether they show it or not. Getting honest with yourself about where you stand is the first step in taking charge of your life to get off the merry-go-round of indecision. Wishing and hoping that things will change on their own doesn’t work. When you shift, others have to shift. Nobody has to die for you to be happy!

TIP: Getting clear on what you want without getting derailed by the not knowing HOW you could make it happen, is the very first step. Once you decide, whether it is to stay and work on it a little longer, or call it complete, the Universe steps in to bring to you all the resources you will need. All you have to do is recognize them and say “yes” to them.

P.S. Life Sculpting Coaching is a powerful, fast track system for gently carving away what is not working in your life, and soulfully reshaping what remains into the life your heart and soul are yearning for.

I currently have three openings for Life Sculpting Coaching clients. To see if this is your next step, go here and fill out the contact form requesting a complimentary 15 – 20 minute telephone session to see if my Be the Woman You Were Born to Be Program is right for you.
I’ll respond with suggested available times and we can set a convenient telephone appointment time.

Whether you decide to become a coaching client, or not, you can be sure you will receive a solid next step to break the stuck cycle in the no obligation, introductory Be the Woman You Were Born to Be coaching session. Go here now to request your complimentary session.

What crossroads are you facing? Leave your comments below. I’d love to hear from you!

Joyfully,

Jennifer

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