Without exception, whenever I suggest that compromise and sacrifice are not only NOT necessary to create and sustain great relationships, but are actually detrimental to having fabulous relationships, I meet with intractable resistance to that very notion!
Does this idea bring up a “you gotta be kidding!” resistance in your mind, too?
This false belief in the necessity of compromise and sacrifice is so deep in our culture that I don’t think I have ever convinced anyone that a true “win-win” is even possible, though Lord knows, I have tried!
I am truly amazed at the amount of suffering people will put up with in their lives because they falsely believe “that’s just the way it is.”
In my birth family, suffering was noble. How many times did I hear “that’s just your cross to bear, dear?”
What B.S.! And so unnecessary!
Vic Baranco, now deceased, founder of the Morehouse Community, was the originator of that term “win-win.” His goal was that each person in a negotiation would come away with MORE than they wanted. Yet, somehow the term “win-win” has deteriorated to mean “you give up a little of what would satisfy your heart and soul, and I will give up a little of what would satisfy my heart and soul, and we will gracefully agree to this sacrifice for the ‘good’ of the relationship.”
Isn’t it time to take charge of your life? What if you accepted that whatever you are experiencing in your life is there because you have agreed for it to be there? You may feel sad about it, or mad about it, or hopeless about it, and believe there is nothing you can do about it.
Not true! It is just that no one has shown you how to talk long enough and deep enough to find a way for everyone to get their needs met. The false belief is that compromise and sacrifice are required and in fact, your willingness to compromise and sacrifice have been equated with how good a person you are!
Its time to evolve past that old, limiting belief! You can take charge of your life, by taking back the power you were born with and had socialized out of you, by taking responsibility for how you experience the events and circumstances in your life.
Here are the steps to take:
1. Decide if you are in agreement with “how things are.” If you are, then you have nothing to complain about. If not, decide you will discover what false beliefs you have that support your agreement to having this experience in your life, then commit to making whatever change is necessary.
Oh yeah . . . a little plug for coaching . . . it really helps a lot to have a coach asking the inspired, penetrating questions that will take you right to the heart of the matter, and uncover what’s not working for you. You know, you really can’t grow yourself by yourself! None of us can. That is why every good coach has a coach.
2. When you realize you are not in agreement with something going on in your life, tell the truth, first to yourself, and then to those involved. If it is too scary to face the possible consequences alone, get support (hint, hint, hello . . . coaching)!
BOTTOM LINE: The willingness to suffer leads to suffering. If you won’t claim your birthright to live a happy, joyful life, there is not much the Universe can do for you.
TIP: Start with some small irritation that you have been tolerating just to keep the peace. Tell the truth about it. Re-negotiate your agreement by saying “this just doesn’t work for me anymore.”
P.S. Almost none of us had a “win-win” communication style modeled for us. You’ll need to educate yourself on how to up level your relationship communication skills. Yes, it’s work, and worth it!
So where are you on the happiness chart?
- Ecstatic with joy at how much you love your life?
- Experiencing Ups and Downs, but mostly ups?
- Experiencing Ups and Downs, but mostly downs?
- Suffering from chronic dissatisfaction with not very many moments of genuine joy?
- Deeply depressed?
If you are suffering from chronic dissatisfaction, or are deeply depressed (often caused by constipated anger!), there is help available. You just need to decide you are ready to give up the willingness to suffer, and the false belief that “that’s just the way it is,” and reach out and ask for help.
Give me a call, 209-369-6188, or email me and set up a f.r.e.e. 20 minutes introductory coaching session. I guarantee in that 20 minutes we will find a breath of fresh air for you and an open door you can step through.
I’d love to hear your comments on the topic of compromise and sacrifice and how your beliefs are working for you. Leave your comments below, or give me a call. 209-369-6188.
This newsletter is published on the 2nd and 4th Wednesdays of each month. I’ll “see” you in our next newsletter on November 9th.