Seeing the Patterns and Healing the Past

March 24th, 2010 by Jennifer Grainger

My mind was in turmoil and my guts were as twisted as barbed wire as I began the hour and a half drive home. It would be 11 pm by the time I got there.

Those of you who know me, or have read my book, Becoming Conscious, know that the phrase, “fools jump in where angels fear to tread,” has often applied to my eagerness to try new things.

I thought I had learned my lesson about signing up for things without asking detailed questions of what would actually take place, because I so often found myself somewhere I had paid to be, wishing I wasn’t there . . . like the time I signed up for the one day workshop: Speaking with Heart and Soul: How to be More Comfortable, Natural and Compelling in Front of ANY Group. I thought I’d get a few pointers on overcoming my fear of public speaking only to find when I got there I’d have to actually stand in front of the group and speak. I was so terrified all I could do was just stand there and cry. I was so embarrassed!

Just because the end result in that case turned out to be a giant leap forward in spiritual growth didn’t mean it wouldn’t be wise to know what I was getting into before clicking the “Sign Me Up!” button on a weekend workshop titled Basic Sensuality.

Feeling oh so wise, I’d asked questions designed to be sure there wouldn’t be any exercises or demonstrations that I would find uncomfortable. (You know, like “OK everybody, off with your clothes!”)

I have to admire Spirit’s ability to provide me with the growth I need even when I am careful to avoid it. In this case, when I was told there would be “homework” on Saturday night, it never occurred to me to ask what the homework might be.

So there I was, a bundle of conflict, distress and agitation, driving home in the dark of night, on an unfamiliar stretch of highway, thinking what a big mistake it was to sign up for this workshop. Adding insult to injury, in the split second required to make the decision, I chose the wrong highway exit, which not only took me the long way home, also cost me a $4 bridge toll!

My first clue that I was in for a “growth experience” came at the end of the first evening. I felt queasy and lightheaded when the detailed description of the homework was being explained. There was no “reason” to feel this way. All we were being asked to do when we got home was to create a beautiful, private space in which to view and touch our bodies in loving ways. The purpose was to exchange an attitude of dislike about our physical bodies for one of appreciation, and to discover what sorts of physical touch felt good to us.

When I asked myself “When have I felt this way before?” I was transported back to my high school health class at Holy Names High School in Seattle, Washington. Sister Joan was teaching us the biology of the female reproductive cycle. I had to put my head in my lap to keep from fainting, a rather extreme response to the mere thought of blood.

Then the memory surfaced of Sister Joan telling our class to always cover ourselves with a towel when getting out of the shower so we wouldn’t see our naked bodies in the mirror. Obviously an unconscious pocket of traumatic energy around body-shame had been activated by the homework assignment.

Useful as this information was, there was a deeper issue at hand . . . the conflict of honoring the part of me who didn’t want to do the homework versus the part of me who wanted to comply with the request. It was the part who didn’t want to do the homework that was causing the intense internal distress.

“OK,” I said. “You don’t have to do it tonight. You can do it at another time when you are ready. I am not going to force this on you.” Peace flooded my body only to be replaced with tears at the thought of having to tell the group I didn’t do my homework.

If I wouldn’t coerce another person to do what they didn’t want to do, why would I do that to myself? I thought in defense of my resistant part who had just received the reprieve.

Although this decision to not move forward with the homework until all parts of me were in agreement felt like a “win,” and another step into living authentically, the decision activated the unconscious pockets of fear associated with the times (this lifetime and probably many past lifetimes) I’d been punished for not complying.

That’s the positive and the negative sides of the accelerated evolution we are experiencing right now . . . we get to heal two or more emotional traumas at one time . . . two for the price of one!

Jeez, what a bargain!

Rationally I knew no harm would come to me for admitting that I didn’t do the homework, but apparently my cellular memory feared retribution, because every time I thought of what I would say at homework-reporting time, anxious tears spilled.

In a desperate attempt to avoid making a spectacle of myself in a room full of strangers by bursting into tears when saying I didn’t do my homework, I dug into my spiritual growth tool box for a process to neutralize the out-of-control emotional energy. I chose EFT (emotional freedom technique) to neutralize the emotional charge, and Light Body to “work the energy” of the future moment in the class when I would say I didn’t do the homework.

Now, of course, I knew I had the choice to either lie if asked if I did the homework, or remain silent if I wasn’t asked. I decided I would tell the truth if asked, and keep silent if not. I was asked. I felt some emotion, but didn’t cry.

The good news is, that although I was the only person who didn’t do the homework, my choice was viewed with curiosity and neutrality, and my body got the opportunity to experience nothing bad happening when I honored what felt right to me. And further good news . . . there was no bad news.


Thank you Spirit for giving me the opportunity to dissolve unconscious fear around being true to myself and creating a feeling of safety around speaking my truth with love and wisdom.

BOTTOM LINE: We all have unconscious traumas that influence our decisions to run roughshod over our authentic selves. Living authentically requires telling ourselves the truth about what feels right to us, and claiming our right to decide what is right for us despite others requests and demands. This is called living from the inside out . . . being your own authority . . .  taking charge of your life . . . etc.

TIP: Whenever you are feeling mental or emotional discomfort, ask yourself when you have felt that way before. As you track back through the previous times you have felt this same way you will likely see a pattern. Once you get to the root of the traumatic experience that has unconsciously been running your life, most likely it will simply dissolve.

P.S. Life is speeding up. We have reached a time in the evolutionary process that we must literally shift or die! I know this sounds apocalyptic, but it is true. Either step into your authentic self or leave the planet. The new paradigm that is arising will tolerate only loving kindness and unconditional love . . . and that includes the behavior towards ourselves!

I’d love to hear about your current life circumstances that are requiring that you “defecate or de-commode” in order to be true to your Self, and how you are handling the challenge.

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