I listened to the advice from the workshop leaders and my tribe of people I met at the workshops who are also honing their What Do You Do statements. With each revision I’ve trotted off to networking meetings to try it out.

Time just flew by as I focused all my attention on finding the magic statement that would clearly identify who I was here to serve: women secretly thinking about getting a divorce, and the solution I was offering: to either help them reshape their marriage by renegotiating it so there was room for them to bloom and blossom, or taking them through the process of dissolving the marriage in a heart-centered and compassionate way that didn’t cost a fortune or make an enemy of their spouse.

The strangest thing happened. Every new client I got, with the exception of one, had a more pressing issue they wanted help with . . . how to get more clients and make sufficient income doing the work they loved!

This left me grateful to be able to show my new clients how to change their mind set from “hating selling” to “being visible to the people who are looking for the solution they offer,” but it also left me confused about my purpose.

I was certain my purpose was to change the face of divorce in America, given the beautiful way Dave and I stepped onto different life paths, ending our 25 year marriage without severing the love we have for each other. But what I found after months of networking is that apparently most women don’t want to make an appointment for a free coaching session to assess their marriage. I am guessing they don’t want to think about divorce until they are sure how it will all work out if they do get a divorce.

Couple that with a tremendous willingness and capacity to suffer unhappiness for years on end hoping something will change (I did that!), and my “solution” is apparently not one women were looking for.

Back to the drawing board!

So this has left me in marketing limbo, not knowing how to take my basic message of “carving away the good girl you were trained to be, to reveal the woman you were born to be, so we can sculpt the life your heart and soul are yearning for,” which I LOVE . . . and integrate it into the niche of helping women market their heart-based business to get more clients and be abundantly financially self-sufficient.

Or maybe there is another niche I am destined to serve. I don’t know. So I am living in the unfolding . . . letting the puzzle pieces come to me, knowing that at some point, it will all fall into place. Since I don’t know when that will happen, I decided it was time to resurface and let you at least know what is going on with me. It is also an opportunity to share my “living in the unfolding” process in the hopes you might find it useful for your own “unresolved dilemmas,” if you have any (smile)!

Here is what I have learned in the last three months. Life is an unending series of dilemmas. And the choices I make are the blueprint for what comes next.

I’ve also become convinced that the Universe has my back (and yours) because every “catastrophe” has resolved in a way that nurtured my ability to trust life. In a light bulb moment I “knew” that everything that happens, no matter how it looks, is purposeful and for my highest good.

When I stay in present time, and let each situation unfold moment by moment, holding the truth that even though I can’t see how there can be a good outcome, I can trust that if I stay connected to my guidance, stay out of fear, and just do the next thing in front of me to do, it will work out in ways I might never have considered.

Actually, it is easier than you might think, once you get the hang of trusting that no matter what happens you will always know what to do (or not do) in any given moment. The key phrase here is “in any given moment.” That means not projecting disastrous scenarios into the future and then worrying that it might happen, but instead to keep a steady focus on how you’d like it to be and to ask High Quality Questions around the desired outcome. This way the power of your thought is on creating the desired outcome rather than the undesired, disastrous one.

This “living in the unfolding” is working really well for me and my clients, too . . . lots less worry, more trust, which results in a calmer, more serene day-to-day experience.

There is not a lot of cultural support for living in the unfolding so you need to have some people in your life who are wanting to live with more joy and less struggle, too; who are willing to exchange worrying about what they don’t want, to focusing on what they do want.

Simple, but not easy.

BOTTOM LINE: We truly do create our own reality by how we choose to view the circumstances of our life. We get to name it as “it shouldn’t be happening,” and create a lot of drama and story about how bad it is (or “they” are), or. . .  accepting “what is” and taking it one moment at a time, doing what is right in front of us to do, trusting that it is purposeful in some way.

TIP: The single most important thing you can do to have more joy and less struggle in your life is to surround yourself with people who have given up the role of victim; who refuse to play the blame game; who believe the Universe is friendly, and that everything that happens is for our highest good.

P.S. Life Sculpting Coaching is a powerful, fast track system for getting clear on what is not working, what your options are in any given situation, then helping you gently carve away what is not working, and soulfully reshape what remains.

I currently have three openings for Life Sculpting Coaching clients. To see if this is your next step, go here and fill out the contact form requesting a complimentary 15 – 20 minute telephone session to see if my Be the Woman You Were Born to Be Program is right for you.

I’ll respond with an email containing a link to my online calendar of available times for you to schedule a convenient telephone appointment time.

If you have that feeling that you want something different for your life, but not sure what it is . . .  you just know that what you’ve got isn’t it . . . consider a free introductory coaching call to get a clear next step.

If you have any comments about this newsletter, I’d LOVE to hear from YOU!  Leave your comments below or contact me at jennifer@jennifergrainger.com .

Joyfully,

Jennifer

Well, I am here to tell you, no one has to die for you to be happy!

Make no mistake I know all about silent tears into your nighttime pillow; about lying awake in the early dawn ruminating on how to make the emotional pain of having failed at making the happily-ever-after fairy tale come true; of feeling like you can’t stay another minute, and not seeing any way to leave, while being desperate to find a way to stop the pain!

I know what it’s like to be “stuck at the crossroads;” about “having it all” from the onlooker’s perspective, and feeling guilty and selfish for not being happy when I had so much to be grateful for!

But just because my pain and suffering did not come from bruises or broken bones, or economic hardship, or neglect, and even though I had no “good reason” to be unhappy, I was!

Know what I’m saying?

In retrospect I see that a lot of my pain came from:

1. being so far removed from my authentic self that I freely gave away my personal power, believing that my happiness would come to me from someone or something outside of myself if I just did everything “right,” as I was trained to do.

2. being ill-equipped to vulnerably ask for what I needed in a way that didn’t come across as making my husband wrong.

3. trying to get the emotional nourishment that I never got as a child from someone who wasn’t equipped to give it due to his own childhood traumas.

Over the years, to alleviate the pain, I slowly closed my heart, and brick-by-brick a wall was built between us.

The thing is, my story of the fairy-tale-gone-awry is the case more often than not. And how could it not be?

I mean, really, how many of us grew up with conscious parents who knew how to vulnerably speak from their hearts, and had the communication skills to easily ask for what they needed from someone who was well-equipped to give it?

Right! Not very darn many!

No wonder the majority of  women are having such a hard time getting their emotional needs met in a structure (marriage) that was never intended to be more than a practical way to survive the harsh realities of life on the earth plane!

Just as every other structure we have counted on for decades (if not centuries, in some cases) is coming apart at the seams . . . government, health care, economics, education, employment . . . you name it . . . marriage is undergoing restructuring too. No longer is mere longevity the marker of a good marriage. Today we want an equal partnership with our soul-mate; to be heard, understood and respected, with plenty of space to continue to grow and explore the myriad aspects of our being!

And when there is no more room to grow, like the full-term fetus in the womb, we must be born into the next stage of growth, or die! (At least from the soul’s perspective.)

One thing I know for sure is that the escalating daily pressures caused by uncertainty and rapid change are going to be the last straw for marriages that are not nourishing the heart and soul of the partners, and that have been hanging by a thread for quite awhile now!

I can assure you that no matter how much it has been looking like there is no way out, and that the safest thing to do is suck it up and make the best of it, sooner, rather than later, these compounding pressures are going to cause that fragile thread to snap. It has to happen. The old ways will not survive these new times.

Unless you get ahead of the curve, and take charge of your life by intentionally and consciously creating and following a plan to find the “third option” (the one you haven’t thought of yet, but is definitely available if you know how, and where, to look) here’s what will happen . . .

. . . some otherwise seemingly insignificant thing will be said or done, and the lid will come off the reservoir of swallowed anger, frustration, resentment and grief that’s been sitting in your belly like molten lava in the depths of a volcano. In a flash, the emotion takes over and . . . KA BLAM . . . truth spews forth in an uncontrolled eruption leaving devastation in its wake and a BIG mess to clean up.

If you want to avoid a costly and destructive divorce, you need to tap into the love that is somewhere in your heart, bring it to the forefront, then set your intention to have a heart-centered and compassionate reshaping of your relationship, whether you stay together or not, by carving away what is not working, and reshaping what remains into the life your heart and soul are yearning for!

Here are 5 things you must do to craft a heart-centered and compassionate soul-u-tion:

1. Get very honest with yourself about whether there is any real hope of saving your marriage or if you have passed the point of no return.

2. Know there are always more than two options in any situation. It is possible to maintain the love and leave the marriage.  Brainstorm with me as your coach, or a trusted friend, or in your journal, any and all “out of the box” possible soul-u-tions to your dilemma. You don’t have to act on any of them, but you do need to let the ideas flow without censorship to receive divine inspiration.

3. Take an objective inventory of what is right in the situation, what attracted you to your partner in the first place, and what you would want to salvage?

4. Take the position that you don’t have to be mad at your partner to declare your soul contract complete, and begin the process of moving on in a way that is a win-win for everyone involved.

5. And here is the most important piece. You must “own” your part of the dynamic that contributed to the disharmonies you have experienced. This will be the foundation for a healthier and happier next relationship, whether it is with your current partner, or another.

To be clear, I am neither advocating for divorce, or continuing to work on a marriage that you have outgrown. My passion is to help you avoid a costly and devastating divorce by getting clear on what your heart and soul are wanting from you, and mapping the strategy for a heart-centered and compassionate reshaping, whatever it is, that is a win-win for all concerned.

BOTTOM LINE: The force of the Universe is pounding humanity with the impulse to evolve into our authentic selves. The evolutionary forces are exposing our secrets, revealing our truths, and shining the light into every deep and dark corner of our subconscious minds, whether we like it or not. (I haven’t liked it all that much a lot of the time!). The good news is that the truth will set you free! Really. There is great freedom in having nothing left to hide!

TIP: For centuries humanity has been manipulated by fear, shame and guilt. When you get a flash of insight into a “dark” truth about yourself, it is easy to experience a “crises of recognition.” It takes great courage to face it squarely and embrace it with love. Being horrified only sends it back into the darkness to come out another time when you are more able to love all of yourself. I can assure you no one will judge you as harshly as you judge yourself!

P.S. Life Sculpting Coaching is a powerful, fast track system for getting clear on what is not working, what your options are beyond the “stay or leave” choice, then helping you gently carve away what is not working, and soulfully reshape what remains.

What deep, dark secrets are working their way into the light of your conscious mind? Hard as it may be to face them, loving them is the key to breaking free! To assist you in bringing your “darkness” to the light, feel free to email your experience to me at jennifer@jennifergrainger.com and I’ll zap it with love and light . . . POOF!

Leave your comments below. I’d love to hear from you!

Joyfully,
Jennifer

If you are not at a crossroads in your marriage or long term relationship,   and don’t know anyone who is, you probably won’t find this newsletter interesting enough to read all the way to the bottom for the solution.

On the other hand, you might want to keep a copy in the event that someone in your life may be getting ready to drop the news on you that they have been at a crossroads for a while and have finally gotten the courage to move on.

You see, 2012 is going to be a year when what hasn’t been working in people’s lives . . . what has been tolerated just to keep the peace . . . what’s been swept under the rug is going to become intolerable. What’s been unsaid is going to get said. What’s been on the back burner is going to boil over.

Here’s how I know. When people feel threatened or backed into a corner, they do the craziest things. And the more uncertain life becomes, the faster the insecurities pile up, until one day . . . BAM! The stuff hits the fan.

A look at the political arena demonstrates that craziness is rampant today, and a precursor to the falling apart that is happening in all sectors.

Take marriage, for instance. 50 years ago, if he brought home sufficient bacon, and she cooked it well, that qualified as a good marriage.

Wow! Times have changed. The centuries old structure of marriage is collapsing under the strain of expecting our partners to fulfill all of our emotional, physical, mental and spiritual needs!

Yet, that is what the fairy tale promised . . . your Prince would sweep you off your feet, and you’d live happily ever after!

Here’s the kicker . . . the fairy tale left out the most important component of a great relationship . . . a fully authentic YOU! If you have spent years attempting to make things work, doing all the things you have been told were the right way to do it, you have likely lost connection with your own true self!

It’s just a guess, but it makes sense that women who bought the fairy tale have greater expectations of marriage than men, which explains why men are seldom the ones who say “Honey, we need to talk!”

From my admittedly unscientific observation, it appears that it takes less for men to be satisfied in their marriage than women, which leads women to work hard to get to their husbands to change so they can get their needs met, whether they be emotional, physical or spiritual.

While you might be willing to settle for not having your important needs satisfied because you have been convinced that “that’s just the way it is,” your heart and soul won’t give up asking for what they need to feel nourished and alive. As the years go by your heart and soul become increasingly demanding (you feel increasingly unhappy) until the idea of divorce starts showing up.

If your heart and soul are dying of starvation, and you’ve tried everything you can think of to make your marriage better, and you want to leave, but feel you can’t because you . . .

. . . don’t want to hurt him

. . . don’t know how you’d take care of yourself financially

. . . might be worried about the effect on the children, if you have them (even if they are grown)

. . . could be afraid of what your family and friends will think

. . . have fear that you’ll never find love again

. . . are afraid of a costly and destructive divorce

you have the miserable dilemma of being stuck on the merry-go-round of wanting to leave and feeling trapped that you can’t. This misery drains joy out of life, stresses your immune system, and ages you faster than smoking cigarettes and too much sun!

It is the fairy tale that is the root of the misery. It promised a fantasy that no man can fulfill. Yet the needs of your heart and soul are valid, too.

Oh, what to do, what to do?!

1. Take your attention off the relationship and put it on yourself for awhile. Treat yourself like a new friend. Get to know what you like and don’t like. What you want more of. What you want less of. Pay attention to yourself. Do things to please yourself.

2. Start saying “NO” to what you don’t want to do. Only say “YES” when your whole body feels good about it.

3. Fire anyone who has an authority position in your personal life. YOU are the best judge of what is right for you. Your opinion of what feels right to you deserves the highest priority.

4. Take note of how many years you have been taking care of others. Note how many years you likely have left on the planet. Decide when it gets to be your turn to be #1 for awhile.

5. Get clear that it is not wrong or selfish for your needs to have equal importance with everyone else’s.

6. Get support to back you up when those who have had a free ride for way too long start complaining. No one grows themselves by themselves. It takes substantial support to excavate your authentic self, and step into being the woman you were born to be. From that place you become the final authority in your life about what is right for YOU! No one else’s opinion counts as much as yours does when it comes to making choices that affect your well-being.

Today it isn’t longevity that defines a successful marriage, but one in which space is made for each party to thrive and flourish . . . where compromise and sacrifice give way to taking the time to negotiate until everyone’s needs are met, with neither having to sacrifice their important needs “for the sake of the marriage.”

Perhaps you have hopes that your marriage (or long term relationship) can be “saved,” but you don’t know what to try next.

Or, perhaps you have passed the point-of-no-return in your marriage and absolutely know it is time to move on, though you’d like it to be amicable, you may not know where to start.

BOTTOM LINE: If things are not working for you, you can be sure they are not working for your partner! If you are miserable, so is your partner, whether they show it or not. Getting honest with yourself about where you stand is the first step in taking charge of your life to get off the merry-go-round of indecision. Wishing and hoping that things will change on their own doesn’t work. When you shift, others have to shift. Nobody has to die for you to be happy!

TIP: Getting clear on what you want without getting derailed by the not knowing HOW you could make it happen, is the very first step. Once you decide, whether it is to stay and work on it a little longer, or call it complete, the Universe steps in to bring to you all the resources you will need. All you have to do is recognize them and say “yes” to them.

P.S. Life Sculpting Coaching is a powerful, fast track system for gently carving away what is not working in your life, and soulfully reshaping what remains into the life your heart and soul are yearning for.

I currently have three openings for Life Sculpting Coaching clients. To see if this is your next step, go here and fill out the contact form requesting a complimentary 15 – 20 minute telephone session to see if my Be the Woman You Were Born to Be Program is right for you.
I’ll respond with suggested available times and we can set a convenient telephone appointment time.

Whether you decide to become a coaching client, or not, you can be sure you will receive a solid next step to break the stuck cycle in the no obligation, introductory Be the Woman You Were Born to Be coaching session. Go here now to request your complimentary session.

What crossroads are you facing? Leave your comments below. I’d love to hear from you!

Joyfully,

Jennifer

As my friend, Patrice, says: “If you don’t tell the Universe what you want, the Universe will give you leftovers!”

Yuck!

In this historic time of accelerated change and escalating uncertainty, with every aspect of life in flux for all of us, you have the greatest opportunity to carve away what is not working in your life, and reshape what remains into a life that you will love; a life that has loads of space for YOU and YOUR dreams!

It takes courage to take charge of your life; to get off the fence at whatever crossroads you’ve been facing; to let go of what is not working and forge ahead with clear intention of what you want to create for yourself.

The things that can keep you stuck at a crossroad are numerous, but here are a few:

1. Confusion. You may not know what you do want. You just know that what you have isn’t it!
2. Fear of what will happen to you if you rock the boat
3. Afraid you will be thought of as selfish, or unreasonable, or ungrateful
4. Not wanting to hurt others feelings

Often your heart’s desire is buried so deep under limiting beliefs such as “it’s not practical,” or “what will people think,” or “I don’t know where to begin,” or “I don’t how I can take care of myself financially” or “I don’t want to disappoint, or hurt (fill in the blank),” and on and on, that keeps you paralyzed at the crossroads until the emotional pain becomes unbearable.

Unfortunately, waiting until the pain is unbearable sets the stage for regrettable conversations, self-sabotaging ultimatums, rash decisions, and destructive actions.

Here’s what you need to do:

1.    Be honest with yourself about what is not working.
The truth will set you free!

2.    Get clear on what you do want.
This is easier said than done, I know! If you don’t know what you do want, start with listing what you don’t want any more of. This will often bring to the surface what you do want.

3.    Create a step-by-step plan to carve away what is not working.
Start with the least volatile area and begin by saying “no” (without guilt or shame) to at least one thing you don’t want more of, and “yes” to at least three things you do want more of.

4.    Reshape what remains through heart-based renegotiation with the people involved in the areas that need to change.
Keep in mind that relationships never end (even with death), they only change. No matter how badly others may have behaved, it is in your own best interest to make the needed changes with grace and ease, rather than with acrimony and bitterness. (Your nervous system and your immune system will thank you!)

BOTTOM LINE: “The way things are, is the way things will be, until a change is made.”(Mary Kay Ash of Mary Kay Cosmetics.) Wishing and hoping that things will change on their own doesn’t work. And, being resentful and tolerating the intolerable ages you inside and out. You must be willing to change the energetic dynamics of a deadlocked situation by taking the first step in doing something (anything!) different. When you shift, others have to shift. It is not possible for things to continue as they have once you have shifted, even if the shift is a little one.

TIP: Ask yourself the question “if nothing changes, what will my life look like five years from now?” If you don’t like the answer, vow to begin the process of change NOW!

P.S. You can’t grow yourself by yourself. Life Sculpting Coaching is a powerful, fast track system for gently carving away what is not working in your life, and soulfully reshaping what remains into the life your heart and soul are yearning for.

I currently have two openings for Life Sculpting Coaching clients. To see if this is your next step, go here and fill out the contact form requesting a complimentary 15 – 20 minute telephone session to see if my Be the Woman You Were Born to Be Program is right for you.

What crossroads are you facing? Email your experience to me at jennifer@jennifergrainger.com or call me at (209)369-6188. I’d love to hear from you!

Jennifer Recommends
Surrendering to Yourself: You Are Your Own Soul Mate
“Once you come to know who you really are, you are ready for anything.” says author, Iris Krasnow in this autobiographical story of living from truth, uncovering who you are; beyond your parents, marriage, children, career; beyond the expectations of your peer; beyond social games.

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This Be the Woman You Were Born to Be blog is published on the 2nd and 4th Wednesdays of each month. I’ll “see” you in our next post on January 11, 2012!

Happy New Year!

Joyfully,
Jennifer

Years of compromise and sacrifice can only lead to losing touch with the essence of who we are, if we ever really knew it in the first place.

I don’t know about you, but as a little girl I was spoon-fed the happily-ever-after fairytale before I ever had a chance to create a dream of my own.

Yet each of us is born with gifts to share and talents to develop. That part of us that knew who we were and why we were here, got buried alive in childhood, but she didn’t die. She continues to send out distress signals in the form of heart’s desires and soul longings. Yet, most of us have been trained to stop ourselves from responding to these inner calls to avoid the risk of being considered selfish!

Wow! Talk about a no-win situation!

Reconciling the disparity between the happy hopes and dreams of the wedding day, with the painful unhappiness of the dream unrealized, is truly heart wrenching. It is easy to get stuck in the quicksand of feeling that you can’t leave, and you can’t stay, and the only way out is for one of you to die!

It is an agonizing place to be. I know. I was there a few years ago, myself.

I am here to tell you, no one has to die for you to get clear on who you are, why you are here and how to make space in your life for you to bloom and blossom! And it doesn’t have to take a costly and destructive divorce, either.

It begins with you claiming the truth that life is intended to be joyful. When it is not, there is something in your unconscious programming that is getting in the way of you listening to your heart, trusting its guidance, and being free to be the final authority in how you live your life.

Getting clear on which of your hidden beliefs are life-enhancing, and which are life-draining requires examining the duty, obligation and commitment values instilled at an early age. Asking yourself the questions of “what am I doing, and why am I doing it?” can bring up the beliefs about how you should behave, and what you should think and feel. From there you can ask “says who?” and “is this a belief I’d teach little children?”

It takes courage to take charge of your life; to discard beliefs that others around you choose to hang on to; to claim the right to have the final say-so in how you will live your life; to conclude that your inner-knowing of what feels right for YOU carries more weight than your husband’s (or anyone’s) opinion of how you should look, feel or act.

The mostly unrecognized dilemma women face today is caused by hundreds of years of self-abandonment through subservient behavior. Deep inside our female psyche, we carry the cellular memory of being unable to survive without a man to take care of us.

These centuries of self-abandonment survival strategies are a powerful, unconscious force that continually urge us to suppress our own important needs to fulfill the requests and demands of others.

It is hard to believe that it was less than only two generations ago that women were freed to have careers, to have credit in their own name, to strike out on their own, to be in control of their reproductive capabilities, to choose co-habitation rather than marriage. Yet, that explains why the hundreds of years of programming are able to overpower our 21st century, liberated selves with the most insidious idea of all: “that’s just the way it is.”

There is nowhere to go from there except to numb the emotional suffering with alcohol, “retail therapy” (shopping), staying overbusy, being overly involved in other’s dramas, and anything else one can do to avoid the issue.

Accepting the belief that “that’s just the way it is” leads to a willingness to suffer endless days of low-grade depression, resentment, or melancholy.

BOTTOM LINE: If you have reached a place where continuing to suffer is no longer an option, your mission is obvious. You must clear your psyche of the self-abandonment programming, while uncovering additional unconscious limiting beliefs instilled in your early childhood. This is not an objective you can accomplish on your own. Having a trusted advisor, who has successfully navigated that journey, gives you the confidence to move forward, the empathy that has been so sorely lacking, and provides the road map and all-important regular guidance so that you successfully navigate the journey to having a life that WORKS that you just can’t get from  reading books and going to one-time workshops!

TIP: Getting really honest with yourself about what life-draining things you have been putting up with because you have believed “that’s just the way it is” is a courageous first step to working your way out of the suffering. Just looking at it square in the face has a power all its own.

P.S. You can’t grow yourself, by yourself. Life Sculpting Coaching is a powerful, fast track system for gently carving away what is not working in your life, and soulfully reshaping what remains into the life your heart and soul are yearning for.

P.P.S. The sooner you make the shift from being at the effect in your life, to being in charge of your life, the sooner you can begin to let loose with the creative woman you were born to be, to give to the world what only you can give, and receive all the blessings and gifts the Universe has for you in return.

If you are crying into your pillow at night, or waking up in the night in total despair of your marriage, you are not alone. Millions of women who bought the fairytale are feeling just as trapped and miserable as you are. It doesn’t have to be that way. There are always options to make life better, just sometimes they are hard to find on your own when you are in the depths of despair.

I can help.

I currently have just two openings left for Life Sculpting Coaching clients. To see if this is your next step, go to http://www.JenniferGrainger.com and click on the Life Sculpting Coaching link, scroll down and fill out the contact form requesting a complimentary 15 – 20 minute telephone session to see if my Be the Woman You Were Born to Be Program is right for you.

I’ll respond with suggested available times and we can set a convenient telephone appointment time. Whether you decide to become a coaching client, or not, you can be sure you will receive a solid next step to break the stuck cycle in the no obligation, introductory Be the Woman You Were Born to Be coaching session. Request your complimentary session now at http://www.JenniferGrainger.com

I’d love to hear your comments on this post. Just click on the comments link below.

Joyfully,
Jennifer

By the time we were seven or so, most of us had bought into the “good girl” programming. Since our very survival depended on pleasing our caregivers . . . really . . . it was the most intelligent thing to do at the time!

And how did we know which behaviors were the “good girl” ones? Easy . . . the big people in our lives smiled and hugged us when we performed to their standard, and scowled, or shouted, or said things like “shame on you” to squelch behaviors they didn’t like.

Ouch!

Without being aware of it, most of us have an incredibly strong desire to avoid the psychological and emotional pain of shame. We don’t consciously think to ourselves “I am not going to do such-and-such because I don’t want to feel deep despair at the core of my being.” We instinctively, and unconsciously, resist our heart’s desires and soul’s impulses, by labeling these desires and impulses as selfish, just as we were taught to do!

We were told that nobody would like us if we were selfish. Or we wouldn’t go to heaven. Or we’d be punished. Or whatever . . . so we did our best to fit in and do life right.

End of story . . .

Sort of . . .

For awhile . . .

Until eventually the fairy tale life we were told would be our reward for being good, started getting ragged around the edges, and we noticed happily-ever-after just isn’t happening, no matter how hard we try to make it come true.

Then what do we do?

We blame ourselves!

Bummer!

So here is the dilemma . . . in order to carve away what is not working in your life so that you can soulfully re-shape what remains into the life your heart and soul are yearning for, you will have to face the fear of being seen as selfish, and neutralize the energy of shame.

It is not that hard to do when you are . . .

. . . curious about discovering your passion
. . . committed to shedding the burdensome “good girl” cloak
. . . willing to pay attention to what you like and don’t like
. . . claiming the right to get expert support in uncovering and trusting your inner compass of joy
. . . willing to do what it takes to make a place in your life for YOU to bloom and blossom

Ironically, in most cases, the person who will give you the most grief about following your heart is . . . YOU! Once you “get it” that your heart is your “inner compass of joy” that is always pointing in the direction of having a soul-satisfying life, you can quickly transform the fear of being selfish into the excitement of discovering your passion.

“Rewarding” doesn’t begin to describe the deliciousness you feel when you spend your days in alignment with who you were born to be, doing what it is that you came here to do! Believe me, the people around you will bask in your radiance, feeling your joy and love when you are living your life from the inside out!

Yes!

Neutralizing shame is a bit trickier than facing fear, because the programming of what is shameful is hidden outside of our conscious awareness where it runs our lives without our knowing it.

Two of my mentors, Katherine Woodward Thomas and Clair Zammit nailed it when they said “you can’t grow yourself, by yourself.” We all have blind spots that keep us from seeing the obstacles to having a life that works. That’s why every good coach, has a coach!

With me as your coach, I’ll be asking you inspired questions that will reveal your blind spots that were installed when you were a child, at a time when you had very little power.

Once you see what is holding you back, you are free, as a grown woman, to make conscious choices about what truths you will live by.

BOTTOM LINE: It takes courage to be who you were born to be. Having a trusted advisor with you on the journey makes all the difference. The reward for stepping into your greatness is a solid connection to that “peace that passes all understanding.”

TIP: Saying “yes” to yourself is a first step in becoming yourself. Ask yourself “What is one action I can take today that will move me in the direction of saying ‘yes’ to a heart yearning or a soul call?” It doesn’t have to be a giant leap forward. Each small baby step leads to the next, and the next, and the next. Each step taken reveals the next step to take.

P.S. You’ve heard it before, and I am here to tell you it is oh, so true . . . the joy and the juice of life is in the journey, not the destination. Living each moment in alignment with your heart and soul, in equal partnership with your rational mind, is a reliable formula for a life worth living!

P.P.S. A life of dull discontent, albeit often filled with the toys and glitter of things, is often the fate of those who choose to not answer the call of their heart and soul.

So, where are you in discarding the selfish label and neutralizing the shame energy? How strong is the unexplored desire to be a “good person” driving you to live your life in pleasing others instead of answering the call of your heart and soul?  Enter your comments below. I’d love to hear from you!

Enjoy!

Welcome new readers! Although this is the 72nd eNewsletter I have published, this is the premier issue of the Become the Woman You Were Born to Be eNewsletter, which is written specifically for women like yourself, who are ready to step out of the roles you were trained to perform, into the freedom of being who you were born to be. Yay!

With Halloween behind us, Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the corner. Remember as a kid how much excitement and anticipation you had for the holidays . . . how it seemed to take forever for it to get dark enough to go Trick or Treating . . . how the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas seemed an eternity?

Well, fast forward to present time when the pressure to produce a Martha Stewart holiday is everywhere, including in your subconscious mind of how the holidays are “supposed” to be celebrated.

The question is: do you enjoy being the woman in charge of making the holidays magical, or has holiday magic-making become just one more chore to get through. Is “tradition” or Martha Stewartism getting too much “should” time when you think about your holiday to do list?

It is not surprising that each year more women are opting out of pulling off a traditional holiday in favor of self-care by choosing to spend the holidays in unconventional ways that rejuvenate their souls and make their hearts sing.

Like . . .

. . . going away for a few days with the people you want to spend time with (which may be just yourself if your heart and soul are craving some alone time to regroup). Brian and Sylvia, my former in-laws, once opted out of the holiday hoopla by going on vacation without leaving home. (This was long before the concept of a “staycation” was in vogue.)

They told their family and friends they would be at a cabin in the woods for the holidays. They filled the larder with goodies, brought in a stack of firewood, unplugged the phone, and put an “out of order” sign on the doorbell. They put on their coats and hats, got in their car, drove a few miles out of town to a “special occasion restaurant” for brunch. Then returned home as if arriving at a remote cabin in the woods.

Feeling like naughty children who had cut school for a day at the beach, the stolen days were filled with spontaneous laughter and cozy together time.

Have you thought of something you’d rather do for the holidays, and then dismissed it because it was too “far out” from what has become custom? Does thinking about bringing up the idea of doing something different (like not spending it with extended family) seem too radical? Do you need justification for tossing tradition out the window (especially for your own inner-critic who is so quick to shout “selfish” at you)?

This may help.

Every tradition began with a one-time event and simply carried on from there. There is nothing that says you can’t start a new tradition anytime you want. You could start a new tradition of being non-traditional, how about that?

We often forget that our holiday traditions originated in a time when we were an agricultural nation. Not a lot went on in the winter. Days were short. Night was long. Plenty of time to plan and look forward to Thanksgiving with family and friends that you hadn’t seen or talked to in ages! Christmas gifts were mostly handmade. One to a customer.

How crazy is it to let a last century tradition dictate how you will spend your holidays when you are living in a time of instant everything? There is no down time that needs to be filled with something to do until spring arrives!

We are in a new century. Life as we have known it for many generations is falling apart in every sector of life. The old rules, the old ways of doing things, the old ways of family structure are disintegrating right before our eyes.

This means that living our lives from the outside in, that is, looking outside of ourselves for the “right” thing to do, just won’t fly anymore. Yet making the shift from being outer-directed to being inner-directed is not that easy, especially when the concept of “selfishness” is so ingrained in our psyches.

BOTTOM LINE: There is no time like the present to be asking yourself these two insight-generating questions: 1. What am I doing? 2. Why am I doing it? Well, OK, add this third question: 3. What do I want? (as in, what makes my heart sing and my soul jump for joy?)
Then start pushing stuff off your overloaded plate, starting with the changes that are the easiest to make and meet with the least resistance!

TIP: Look out for the “you are sooooo selfish” gremlin to jump out at you. It can’t help it. It is a survival technique from hundreds of years ago when “self-centered” people got exiled from the tribe where certain death awaited them. The cosmic joke is that unless you are currently centered in your self in this drastically changing time, you are in danger of missing the signals you need to be in the right place at the right time when sh*t happens.

P.S. When breaking with tradition the only “reason” you need is “I don’t want to do this anymore, because I don’t want to.” Simple as that. No further explanation needed. Not to yourself. Not to anyone else. Anyone who demands a “reasonable reason why” is a lunkhead . . . just my opinion, of course.

P.P.S. If making changes to holiday tradition that lighten your load and make the holidays a joy for you is likely to be met with fierce resistance from the people who benefit from you working like a dog to get it all done, consider getting support from me to help you gently carve away what is not working and soulfully re-shaping what remains into the life your heart and soul are yearning for. You are worth it,  and you deserve it. Yes, indeed, you do!

I’d love to hear from you. What are your plans for the holidays? Leave  your comments below!

Joyfully,

Jennifer

Does this idea bring up a “you gotta be kidding!” resistance in your mind, too?

This false belief in the necessity of compromise and sacrifice is so deep in our culture that I don’t think I have ever convinced anyone that a true “win-win” is even possible, though Lord knows, I have tried!

I am truly amazed at the amount of suffering people will put up with in their lives because they falsely believe “that’s just the way it is.”

In my birth family, suffering was noble. How many times did I hear “that’s just your cross to bear, dear?”

What B.S.! And so unnecessary!

Vic Baranco, now deceased, founder of the Morehouse Community, was the originator of that term “win-win.” His goal was that each person in a negotiation would come away with MORE than they wanted. Yet, somehow the term “win-win” has deteriorated to mean “you give up a little of what would satisfy your heart and soul, and I will give up a little of what would satisfy my heart and soul, and we will gracefully agree to this sacrifice for the ‘good’ of the relationship.”

Isn’t it time to take charge of your life? What if you accepted that whatever you are experiencing in your life is there because you have agreed for it to be there? You may feel sad about it, or mad about it, or hopeless about it, and believe there is nothing you can do about it.

Not true! It is just that no one has shown you how to talk long enough and deep enough to find a way for everyone to get their needs met. The false belief is that compromise and sacrifice are required and in fact, your willingness to compromise and sacrifice have been equated with how good a person you are!

Its time to evolve past that old, limiting belief! You can take charge of your life, by taking back the power you were born with and had socialized out of you, by taking responsibility for how you experience the events and circumstances in your life.

Here are the steps to take:

1. Decide if you are in agreement with “how things are.” If you are, then you have nothing to complain about. If not, decide you will discover what false beliefs you have that support your agreement to having this experience in your life, then commit to making whatever change is necessary.

Oh yeah . . . a little plug for coaching . . . it really helps a lot to have a coach asking the inspired, penetrating questions that will take you right to the heart of the matter, and uncover what’s not working for you. You know, you really can’t grow yourself by yourself! None of us can. That is why every good coach has a coach.

2. When you realize you are not in agreement with something going on in your life, tell the truth, first to yourself, and then to those involved. If it is too scary to face the possible consequences alone, get support (hint, hint, hello . . . coaching)!

BOTTOM LINE: The willingness to suffer leads to suffering. If you won’t claim your birthright to live a happy, joyful life, there is not much the Universe can do for you.

TIP: Start with some small irritation that you have been tolerating just to keep the peace. Tell the truth about it. Re-negotiate your agreement by saying “this just doesn’t work for me anymore.”

P.S. Almost none of us had a “win-win” communication style modeled for us. You’ll need to educate yourself on how to up level your relationship communication skills. Yes, it’s work, and worth it!

So where are you on the happiness chart?

-  Ecstatic with joy at how much you love your life?
-  Experiencing Ups and Downs, but mostly ups?
-  Experiencing Ups and Downs, but mostly downs?
-  Suffering from chronic dissatisfaction with not very many moments of genuine joy?
-  Deeply depressed?

If you are suffering from chronic dissatisfaction, or are deeply depressed (often caused by constipated anger!), there is help available. You just need to decide you are ready to give up the willingness to suffer, and the false belief that “that’s just the way it is,” and reach out and ask for help.

Give me a call, 209-369-6188, or email me and set up a f.r.e.e. 20 minutes introductory coaching session. I guarantee in that 20 minutes we will find a breath of fresh air for you and an open door you can step through.

I’d love to hear your comments on the topic of compromise and sacrifice and how your beliefs are working for you. Leave your comments below, or give me a call. 209-369-6188.

This newsletter is published on the 2nd and 4th Wednesdays of each month. I’ll “see” you in our next newsletter on November 9th.

Joyfully,
Jennifer

Does it know that the only life it has known,
crawling and munching its way through leaves,
is going away forever?

Does it have any idea that its earthbound caterpillar
body is going to completely dissolve into a mushy goo
and from that goo emerge a butterfly . . . free to fly?

What if you knew (without a doubt) that the complete
destruction of life as you have known it is a perfect
evolutionary process from which you will emerge as
a transformed being . . . one that is free to live the
joyful, abundant life that your heart and soul are meant
to live?

Wouldn’t that take the fear out of watching the obvious
daily disintegration of life as we have known it that is
taking place in every sector . . . education . . . health care
. . . government, not to mention the obvious world-wide
collapse of the monetary system?

Imagine what it would be like to trade in the fear and anxiety
for anticipation and excitement about the new that is emerging!
And there is plenty of great things rising up to replace what is
disintegrating . . . you just don’t hear about in mainstream media.

For more than a year my spirit guides have been telling us that
we have nothing to fear . . . to not struggle to hang on to anything
that is leaving, for it is making room for much greater joy and
happiness to enter.

We all needs reminders that we are co-creators in our lives.
Nothing is happening to us. Life is happening through us.

Granted there are monumental challenges ahead. Challenges are
how we grow. My spirit guides have told us we are co-creating
the future we are stepping into. What we focus on today is setting
into motion what we will experience tomorrow.

Here are 5 principles that will help you stay focused on creating
what you want, NOT what you DON’T want!

1. You always get what you think about, whether you want it or not.
(Yikes!)

2. What you focus on expands, what you are grateful for multiplies.
(Yay!)

3. Worrying is wishing for what you don’t want . . . and getting it!
(Say nay to worry!)

4. You never run out of money, you only run out of ideas.
(Get quiet, open your mind and heart and be prepared to be inspired!)

5. Every adversity has within it the seed of an equivalent or greater benefit.
Napoleon Hill said that. He also said “What the mind of man (or woman)
can conceive and believe, he (she) can achieve.”

BOTTOM LINE: You can’t think clearly when you are afraid. Right this
minute some divinely inspired person is setting forth on a project that will
serve millions and make millions!

In order for you to receive this always-available inspiration that
can turn your life’s lemons into lemonade, you must take control of what
you are willing to give your attention to.

Turn away from mainstream media that is based on fear, fear and more fear.
Evict negative people from your social circle. If you can’t make them go away,
then simply stop engaging in the “ain’t it awful” dialogs with them.

TIP: Take charge of what comes to your inbox. Replace the bad news with the
massive amounts of GOOD NEWS available every day, if you just know where
to look (it won’t be in mainstream, that’s for sure!)

Subscribe to Ode: the magazine for Intelligent Optimists! Check out
the Good News Network (http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org), Take a
peek at The Shift Network (http://www.theshiftnetwork.com) Listen to
some of the recordings from the recent Healthy Money Summit (http://www.healthymoneysummit.com)

Pretty soon you’ll be in “the loop” of the good news emails. Are you ready
to trade in doom and gloom for bloom and blossom? Then do it! Your choices
are creating your life, decision by decision. That is how powerful you are!

P.S. If you’d like to get on the fast track of living the life you were born to live,
take a look at my Be the Woman You Were Born to Be program. Just go to http://www.jennifergrainger.com and click on Life Sculpting Coaching and sign up for
the free 20 minute introductory session. If you are feeling stuck in your life, or
worse than stuck, running as fast as you can on a treadmill going nowhere, I guarantee that in our free 20 minute session I will open the doorway to your next step that will lead you in the direction of creating the life you’d love to live!

P.P.S. Keep an eye out for your email invitations to join me on the
1st and/or 3rd Thursday evenings each month at my home in Lodi, or the
4th Wednesday of each month in Stockton at Dragonfairy metaphysical store
for the Oasis in the Midst of Chaos gathering.

You’ll  hear an inspiring message from my guide and experience a guided meditation that will take you deep inside to connect with your own inner wisdom. These evenings are like a complete reboot of your energy systems. You’ll get realigned with your soul’s destiny and start again with a clean slate when you return to your everyday life so that you can surf the chaos and navigate the flow of this evolutionary leap all of humanity is taking.

Give me a call if you have questions. 209-369-6188.

OK. So what do you think? Where are you in the metamorphosis process in your life? Still “crawling and munching leaves?” Sitting in a puddle of “goo?” Working your way out of the chrysalis? Waiting for your wings to dry? Flying free?

Just click on the “comment” link below and enter your thoughts there. I’d love to hear from you!

This newsletter is published on the 2nd and 4th Wednesdays of each month. I’ll “see” you in our next newsletter on October 26th.

Love and light

Jennifer