You know, having been married most of my life, entering the 21st century dating scene four years ago when I became single was daunting to say the least. Traditional dating that I grew up with, going out with someone who I’d pre-qualified as marriage material to assess their suitability, has apparently become “so last century.” Or perhaps that’s just the case for women “of a certain age,” many of whom have no interest in getting married again, anyway.  Maybe modern dating is still centered around mate selection for the twentysomethings and thirtysomethings!

In any case, you could say that “clueless” pretty much summed up my dating acumen!

The Universe always provides what I need as I need it, so I didn’t stay clueless for long. Sex and the Seasoned Woman: Pursuing the Passionate Life, by Gail Sheehy quickly found its way to me. This was the beginning of opening my mind to viewing sex outside the framework of church-dictated values.

In my first year of singlehood I relished my weekly calls with Georgia Dow, spiritual counselor extra ordinaire as she deftly captured my unconscious beliefs around sexuality, and, metaphorically speaking, pinned them to a board for me to thoroughly examine.

She did this with questions like, “Who says so? How do you know that is true? According to whom?” when I would state a rule I had adopted as “right” (the breaking of which would be “wrong”) .

With Georgia’s patient guidance I slowly began to think for myself and gain confidence in exploring what worked for me and what didn’t.

In this four year process of diligently deconstructing the moralistic, Victorian values I grew up with, I’ve had to come to terms with being a spiritual teacher, and a woman of a certain age, who is sexually active outside of traditional marriage.

In the deconstruction process I have had the good fortune to connect with elements of our society that believe that pleasure is actually good for you . . . and the people around you!

I’ll drink to that! (and sing, and dance and eat good food, and laugh, and love and anything else that comes my way that brings me pleasure and causes no harm.)

I love the phrase “responsible hedonist” that I learned from the pleasure mavens at Lafayette Morehouse intentional community. It gave me plenty of new information to ponder and integrate.

I’ll save the details for my next book, but you can trust me when I say, not only have I learned a lot about modern dating,  I have had a lot of time to contemplate the sexual “morality” I grew up with.

This led to wondering how pleasure got such a bad reputation.

Here is my best guess based on the little I know about pre-Christian (that would be Pagan) life. These pre-organized-religion folks lived lives inextricably entwined with nature. Rites, festivals, and ceremonies abounded in which sex was a major activity . . . an integral part of nature’s reproductive process.

By and by, along came Patriarchy with its organized religion and property-rights concepts whose destiny it appears to have been to obliterate these enjoyable practices. Sex morphed from natural and enjoyable to sinful and wrong outside of an imposed rigid framework of rules.

Bummer!

Thankfully the ‘60s Flower Children came on the scene. Woodstock happened . . . and the rest is history!

I’m intrigued by the number of women in their 30s who have shared with me their deep questioning of the cultural values of sensuality and sexuality, monogamy and  heterosexuality. They seem to be asking the same questions of “who says so?” and “what makes (fill in the blank) wrong?”

I’m also amazed at their integrity in honoring their bodies needs above their husband’s desires, making obligatory, marital sexual intercourse “so last century,” too.

I am also intrigued by the growing diversity of living arrangements and relationship arrangements that people are creating to meet their needs better than what tradition has offered. Polyamory, for example, which means having non-exclusive intimate relationships within a group of three or more people with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

While this appears to be a really far-out idea, it is really not so far from actual practice of a large percentage of our population who already engage in multiple intimate relationships (just think infidelity). The difference is it is done in secret, as opposed to everyone involved knowing each other, and knowing that it is going on, and being in agreement with it.

As I stated in my February 12, 2010 blog post No More Secrets! 2010 has become the year when the light is penetrating the shadows, and that which has been secret is coming into the light. This is certainly proving to be true, much to the chagrin of some politicians! For us to “own” behaviors previously kept secret is right in line with the evolutionary trend towards transparency.

How all this will play out, I certainly do not know. All I do know is that I am being called to take a stand to re-integrate spirituality, sexuality and sensuality. Healing the rift between “the Church” and sex is a big part of this next phase of human evolution. A person operating from a state of expanded consciousness, that has integrated thought with feelings and emotions, has the capacity to be in charge of their sexual energy in ways that can benefit the highest good of all involved. No outside authority needed, thank you very much!

BOTTOM LINE: It appears that humanity is evolving beyond the old paradigm of right/wrong thinking into one based on the recognition of the oneness of life.

New values are emerging:

• appreciating diversity

• co-creation rather than domination (of nature and each other)

• living in the flow of life-force energy rather than by the clock

A wider diversity of acceptable behaviors is emerging in all areas of life, including the expression of our sexuality. New ways of relating will require new relationship skills. Handling emotions of jealousy, and possessiveness, developing enlightened communication styles and living an impeccably honest and transparent life will be prerequisites to navigating the changes on the horizon.

TIP: The days of Privacy and Secrets are rapidly coming to an end. Capturing “private” conversations as they travel cyberspace is an everyday occurrence. With photos and videos taken with cell phones, special glasses that can let you “see” in the dark, surveillance cameras everywhere, and the ability to broadcast tweets to unlimited numbers of people instantly . . . there is very little room to hide. The key to success in the new paradigm is to live your life with integrity, honesty and transparency. To do otherwise will surely prove regrettable.

P.S. The sooner you claim your right to living a pleasurable life and extinguish remnants of old paradigm guilt, the more you make the way for others to do the same. Imagine a world of pleasure-filled people . . . might be hard to drum up interest in going to war, doncha’ think?!

P.P.S. The diva of pleasurable living is Regena Thomashauer, a.k.a. Mama Gena. Her book Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts: Using the Power of Pleasure to Have Your Way with the World makes a great case for living pleasurably in all areas of your life.

I know this has been a provocative article, indeed. I’d love to hear your comments and opinions. Have you been questioning the values around sex and pleasure that you were raised with? Have you changed some of those values? How supported do you feel in living out your values?

The free telesession on December 16th, which featured Georgia Dow as our guest speaker was amazing. The topic, “What Does It Mean To Be Your Authentic Self?” proved to be a rich arena for exploration. One of Georgia’s first questions was “why do you want to become authentic?”

Hmm . . . good question!

For me, my belief was that when I am operating as my authentic self I am in alignment with my Source; I am centered in the present moment and living my life On Purpose in a joyful, struggle-free way.

What I learned from Georgia is that, yes, that has truth . . . and there is so much more. There are many layers and levels of authenticity. It is way more than “telling the truth” in every situation. My aha! was that being my Authentic Self has as much (if not more) to do with my relationship with myself as it does with my relationship with other people.

As I was editing out the extraneous bits of background noise from the call recording, it was as if I was listening to the call for the first time. The “light bulb moments” just kept coming! Its was like my concept of what it means to be my Authentic Self was a black and white photo that morphed into brilliant color right before my eyes!

BOTTOM LINE: Rather than go on and on about what I learned, it seems more useful to give you a chance to hear the call yourself. It is approximately 60 minutes long so you might want to burn a CD or download it to your iPod so you can listen to it on the run. And I guarantee if becoming your authentic self is of interest to you, you will want to listen to this more than once. I know I will.

For the entire call:

TIP: Let your holiday interactions with friends, family and the general public be an opportunity to pay attention to what is true for you. No judgment. Just notice how you feel about what you are doing and who you are with. Awareness is a basic element of becoming your Authentic Self.

P.S. If you’d like to contact Georgia, go to www.GeorgiaDow.com.

P.P.S. Have a Blessed Holiday and a Happy New Year!